过大礼 - our way

过大礼 - a term which caused Xingmin and I to draw a blank when we first heard it.

A frantic search through the internet later, we're a little bit wiser about our Chinese wedding customs. Here, we'll attempt to provide a summary which I suspect will come in useful when it's our children's turn to be married:

- 过大礼 literally means "performing the rites"
- aka the betrothal, it's when the groom and a matchmaker (traditionally an aunt from the groom's side) bring betrothal gifts (娉礼) over to the bride's family
- usually takes place at least 3 days up to a month before the wedding, on an auspicious date chosen by both families
- the betrothal gifts (representing fertility and prosperity) are packed in even numbers ("好事成双") in a multi-tiered wedding basket and may include (depending on dialect group):

• 红封利是 (amount determined by the groom's family, usually contains the number "9")
  
• "price" for the bride (娉金)
• jewellery for the bride eg. the dragon-phoenix bangle or 四点金
• 2 pairs of dragon-phoenix candles (to be lighted on morning of wedding)
• western and chinese wedding cakes
• 2 bottles of brandy
• at least six tins of canned pork legs or a whole roast pig
• even number of oranges ("生果")
• dried food items placed in 贴盒 such as seafood (abalone, sea cucumber, shark's fin, etc.), mushrooms, 发菜, candies, fruits and nuts (四京果 - longans/lychees/walnuts/peanuts, lotus seeds, lilies, red/green beans, red dates, etc.)
• a pair of coconuts ("爷子")
• 2 tins of tea leaves ("多子多孙")

Of the gifts, a portion (in even numbers) is to be returned to the groom's family (回礼) and this includes:

• a portion of the 娉金
• the pair of phoenix candles
• 2 bottles of orange syrup in replacement of brandy
• head and rear of roast pig
• a portion of the oranges
• a portion of all other gifts
• a pair of trousers for the groom

This is done to indicate the groom’s family is overly generous, the bride’s family is not greedy and that the two families will share their good fortune.

So many details to take care of! To quote Xingmin, we're "so glad we only have to do this once."

Here's how our simplified 过大礼 went...

"It's (roast pig) here. Wow. Quite big... 10 over kilos... I think it's the pig that's going to carry me instead!"

"We're bringing over 18 oranges..."

"You can use the stickers when handing out the Bengawan Solo gift cards..."

"Keep the DOM and drink next time after you deliver your baby..."

Make a guess what both families had for dinner that evening?